Being Reactive

November 2000

A poster on alt.polyamory mentioned being highly emotionally reactive, a comment I related to fairly strongly. So I posted this in reply.

I'm a *very* strongly reactive person, very intense. And I am very well aware that not only to many other folk not react as strongly as I to life's little interesting moments, but that perceptions of my my rather ...er... "vigorous" reactions can range from startlement to complete incomprehension.

Which is why I generally filter my emotional display very strongly unless I'm with people who know from experience how to interpret my reactions. If I just display my emotional reactions raw and unfiltered, folk who don't have the background to "translate" my reactions into terms they are more familiar with will almost certainly grant my venting and display more substance than the reactions "deserve".

My internal emotional reactions are generally very strong and dramatic, but they are often stages that get moved through quickly on the way to somewhere else. For example, I might feel all tragified at being hard-done-by due to someone's actions, and at the same time as I'm being all emotional and pouty, I will be simultaneously fully aware that my reaction is a product of my own history rather than a "fair" response to the circumstances I'm reacting to, and I will consequently not take my reaction at all seriously.

It often takes people a little while to truly understand that I can feel something very strongly and at the same time not take it particularly seriously. The fact that I'm expressing a strong emotion in their presence doesn't mean that I think they have any requirement or obligation to take it on board or do anything about it. I probably just want them to listen, and maybe understand my feelings. So until they "get it" and realise that my "noise and fury" is often not expected to be treated as Significant or a request for action from them, I filter my emotional displays. In a way, the stuff I'm actually displaying is more likely to be responded to in a way that reflects my true feelings than if I showed my "raw" reactions, which will likely be granted more validity and "solidity" by an observer than I will grant them myself.

After I posted this, another poster said that they could see what I was saying, but didn't really understand why some folk seem to react with fear to an expression of intense emotion in others. So I elaborated a bit more:

I can't speak for those in your circle, but I get the impression that many folk find strong emotion in others very intimidating. Perhaps they think that there's some expectation that they respond to the emotion in a certain way; perhaps there's the impression that if the emotion was expressed to them then its aimed at them; perhaps it is simple discomfort with strong emotion itself. It varies depending on the person. I've seen reactions of fear, startlement, anger, nervous edginess, backing-away and a whole other bunch of things more-or-less in that constellation of reactions, along with "you seem very upset - can I help?" or other intended-as-supportive reactions (presumably offered under the assumption that the expression of my emotion signals some sort of major crisis).

I suppose that both of those sets of reactions spring from the fact that my sort of intensity along with a high degree of lability is a little unusual, and that most folk will have encountered reactions that look superficially like mine in circumstances completely different to mine, where they would have very different meanings. Thus, it is not unreasonable for them to assume that my reactions mean the same sorts of things as other reactions they've seen that look similar.

Which, as I've said before, is why I filter my outward expression of my reactions. I tend to think of it as "translating" my reactions into the "language" of those around me - if I don't do that translation, they'll most likely not interpret my messages correctly. I tend to be delighted and thrilled when I find that I can safely interact with someone without the need for that translation step; but I certainly don't expect it to happen. If I display my raw reactions and those around me don't understand what I'm feeling, then to a certain point I really only have myself to blame since I know in advance, if I stop to think about it for.. oh, a millisecond or two... that misunderstanding will probably occur if I don't either filter, or provide subtitles and explanations very clearly at the time.